To Please Others

If you go through my articles carefully, you might observe my annoying habit of constantly trying to please others and caring about what others think of me. I am telling you on the outset, keep your purty lips zipped if you’re going to tell me that it is good to have a pleasing personality. (See, I am already on the path of redemption!)

If the Great Indian Series special on Chamchas (sycophants) by the Times of India, shows us anything, it is not really in our best interest to be boot lickers. It leaves you exactly in that position: the boot, perennially open to the whims and fancies of others, never knowing when you might be kicked by the same boot you’re kneeling in front of.

Nobody needs to tell me that I tend to make better decisions when I make them completely on my own and for my own sake. I know that. And I also know the reason why. I can’t show anybody that my decision was wrong. Even though I am not crazy enough to believe that I’ll always make the right decision, but one thing that I can be sure of is that, I’ll automatically work harder to ensure that I don’t fail at it. Elementary, my dear Watson.

I am pretty sure I am not going to change overnight. Who knows, I might never change at all. But note my words people because I am going to try.

What makes me happy?

Here I am sitting, sulking over all the things that are wrong and unfair in my life and all of a sudden a question pops into my head; What makes me happy?
For a moment I simply tried to collect my bearings. Questions like these are so simple but we never really settle down and actually think about them and answer them.
So here I am, typing out the list of things I find pleasure in:-
1)Appreciation- I like both giving and receiving them. I know I sound as if I am in constant need of others' approval but I am being honest here. So take it or leave it.
2)Taking walks alone. I find my own company often comforting. I don't need to carry on a conversation, and I definitely don't need to tiptoe around people. You get what I mean?
3)The adrenaline rush of doing something new.
4)Reading romantic comedies.
5)Just being with my best friends. They are not plenty in number but somehow they know me and accept me the way I am, which is saying a lot.
6)Swimming- The feel of water all around can be both scary and exhilarating at times. I fear swimming in anything other than a pool. The fact that I can't see what is underneath and that it is possible for me to give myself up to the surrounding water to swallow me up, is fodder for one of my worst nightmares. Yet, whenever I dive into a pool, all I sense is peace. Odd isn't it?
7)Day Dreaming- Who doesn't like to dream? Since you, my reader, probably do, I find it a pointless exercise to explain this point.

For now, I can only come up with these things. As and when I think of something new, I might add to this list.

Being Detached

As I was about to leave for home, I had heard my friend calling out to me. Knowing that I still had some time to kill before I just had to leave, I had decided to stay back and hang out with him. As we had been talking, he told me how he did not expect me to stay in contact with him after college. He told me that I am very detached and that I don't really form any deep bonds with people. The revelation, though sudden, was not surprising for me. I actually felt really glad that someone had finally pointed my exact behaviour.

Puzzled by my reaction? Don't be. I have been giving all this a thought for quite a while. I have often thought about my unwillingness to talk on phones, avoiding being alone in conversation with another person, rarely being the initiator of chats on Whatsapp or simple SMSes etc. In isolation, these habits seem simple quirks, but together they make me look eccentric and definitely point out my detached nature.

I wonder why am i like this? I wasn't so much before. I reason that it must be because I have often seen people whom I care for most, move away (just geographically; life isn't so dramatic) and I end up feeling terrible. I suppose it is just my coping mechanism. It might even be because I am subconsciously trying to keep people from coming too near my intensely convoluted and complicated inside. I don't know but I would like to know.

I am told not to obsess so much about myself, so I am leaving you with just this much to think about for now. Until next time, toodles!